George Carlin's New Rules for 2006

George Carlin's new rules for 2006 Body:

Happy Thirsty Thursday!!

Enjoy and be safe!!

:D-Whitey xo

George Carlin's new rules for 2006

New Rule: - Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com!There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don'tparticularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of thefootball team is doing these days: - mowing my lawn.

New Rule: - Don't eat anything that's served to you out a windowunless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a humanfinger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than adollar. What did you expect it to contain? Salmon?

New Rule: - Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with theirhot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged.& amp; nbsp; I have a better description for these kids: - lucky bastards.

New Rule: - If you need to shave and you still collect baseballcards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of youridols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: - Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much mencare about your eyebrows: - do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: - There's no such thing as flavored water. There's awhole aisle of this crap at the supermarket? Water, but without thatwatery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You wantflavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's yourflavored water.

New Rule: - The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger theasshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,> extradry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're aflaming asshole.

New Rule: - I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from slidingmy card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kidwho is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my AlmondJoy.

New Rule: - Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in itdoesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. Andit t ransl ates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anythingspiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're notspiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: - I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry forM&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: - If you're going to insist on making movies based oncrappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in theCineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the firstplace is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: - No more gift registries. You know, it used to be justfor weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations fromrehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it foryou isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: - And this one is long overdue: - No more bathroomattendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mintlike I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he'ssupposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. don't want to beon your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: - When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to knowin months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.